Monday, July 28, 2008

Crazy Drunken Pirates

So last night was the first of my going away parties...hosted by my lovely lovely ladies here. I was given NO information about the evening. I was told they'd be at my house at 3:30pm. We'd leave by 4pm. To wear casual clothes and flat shoes.

The girls start to show up and I notice everyone has a sweater or jacket. So I grab a sweater. But still I know nothing.

We get in the car and start driving towards Lancaster....I have NO idea where we are going.

We end up in Mount Joy, PA at Bube's Brewery. K tells us to go to the bar and get a drink while she "checks us in". L, D and I head to the bar, tell the hostess we just want a drink. She doesnt understand why we just want a drink and starts to ask if we're here for......L jumps in and says "no we don't want her to know why we are here". OK...what the hell is going on?

We have our drink and wander around. We're told we'll be taken for whatever is happening in the basement between 5 and 5:30. (was actually closer to 6). While we're waiting in the lobby area upstairs walks a drunken pirate asking if we've seen Bridgette. He wanders around calling after her. At nearly 6 Bridgette comes out. Apparently she's Captain Jacks' wife. Pirate and Bridgette tell us the story about how Captain Jack's baby brother was killed while the Captain was out at sea the past 6 months. Bridgette is hosting a dinner, that night and she's hoping for no bloodshed until after desert.

For those of you lost, turns out we were there for a Pirate's Feast. The group was divided up into the two ships whom one of which is responsible for the death of Captain Jack's baby brother. I won't spoil all the little details since some of you perhaps might want to go some day. What I will if you are easily offended...this is NOT the event for you to go to! I was nominated "Captain" of our ship by my lovely ladies...another guest with a celebration (a 27th birthday) was nominated my First Mate. (By the way..he was a totally cutie with a smokin hot brother who sat right next to us). Anyway....drunken pirate walks up to D and asks her how much her captain (me) is worth to her and if I need a rub down. D thinks he's kidding ..but pulls out $1. Drunken pirate says now he needs just $9 more, $10 if they want to get me the "hot wax treatment". K pulls out a $5 and L pulls out a $5. Next thing I know, pirate is behind me sliding my bra straps down off my shoulders (I had a tank on) and starts giving me a massage. Once I got over the shock of it..most of it wasn't too bad. Though when you aren't really EXPECTING a massage and are in the middle of a restuarant with 25 other people in the room its a little odd. That said, the wench, Ruby, offers similar treatment to the first mate, and he gets his shirt pulled off altogether for his massage. I know little of what is actually going on at this time as pirate had pulled off my glasses when he started. After a lengthly "rub down" he tells me dinner is getting close, so he'll leave me in anticipation of the "hot wax treatment" for a while. Pirate leaves, Captain Jack comes over. FILLED with crazy sexual innuendo, and extremely touchy feely. Now...I'm not a prude by any means...but seriously..if you are the SLIGHTEST bit easily offended..or just like me had NO idea what was going on..its a bit overwhelming. Captain Jack and drunken pirate take turns showering me with highly inappropriate attention. Let me tell you...within about 40 minutes in..all of our cheeks were sore from laughing so hard. In fact, even today my cheeks still hurt!

After dinner, before desert, drunken pirate comes back and says its time for my wax treatment. He asks me if I trust L, who is sitting to my right. I tell him I do now, we'll see about tomorrow! He has me lay back across L's lap and close my eyes. Now mind you...I wore and incredible LOW cut serious boobs hanging out last night. I close my thing I candle wax being poured ALLLLL over my chest with the pirate then breathing on it to cool it off. Now I don't know if any of you have every had any experience with hot wax....but let me tell you..its not sexy like it looks in the movies. I mean..its hot hurts like a son of a bitch! When he's done he tells me it can only be taken off with someone's lips or tongue and he's happy to oblige later if need be ( the Captain also offered his services).

Anyway...thanks to large quanties of wine, much of the other details escape me..but it was one hilarious, shocking, and highly inappropriate evening! Seriously..cheeks STILL hurt from laughing! The girls wanted to make sure my going away was memorable..and BOY was it. The guys in the office are trying to figure out how to get a hold of the girls to get pictures to use in my roast next week...I pray they don't...these are NOT the kind of pics I want out in the open!

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